"Merry Christmas"

Jingle bells, jingle bells, it's Christmas once again ! It's time for Santa Claus, for mistletoe kisses and for togetherness. Share the joys of this merry occasion with your friends/ family/ acquaintances/ loved ones. Bring on their holiday smiles and spread lotsa Christmas cheer around with these beautiful wishes.

Wish you a "Merry Christmas"

Good Joke

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a
sudden, he said out loud, “Lord, grant me one wish.”
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord
said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I
will grant you one wish.”
The man said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime
I want to.”
The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
logistics of that kind of undertaking.! The concrete and steel it would
take. Take a little more time and think of another wish, one that would
honor and glorify me.”
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I
wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside,
what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they
cry, what they mean when they say ‘nothing’, and how can I make a
woman truly happy.”
After a few minutes God said, “You want two lanes or four on that
bridge?”

Words Women use

Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.

A Shiity lesson!!

A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold the bird froze and fell to
the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there,
a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung,
it began to realize how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy,
and soon to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound,
the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,
and promptly dug it out and ate it.
Management Lesson?
1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best
to keep your mouth shut!!!!!

POPE Vs SANTA

About a century or two ago,the Pope decided that all the Sardars had to leave Italy. There was a big uproar from the Sardar community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Sardar community. If the Sardar won,the Sardars could stay. If the Pope won,the Sardars would leave. The Sardars picked a middle aged man named Santa Singh to represent them.

Santa Singh asked for one addition to the debate.
To make it more interesting,neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

Santa Singh and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Santa Singh looked back at him and raised one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.
Santa Singh pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine.
Santa Singh pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, -I give up.
This man is too good. The Sardars can stay.

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said,First I held up three fingers to represent the trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by
pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?

Meanwhile,the Sardar community had crowded around Santa Singh. What happened? they asked. Well,said Santa Singh,First he said to me that the Sardars had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Sardars. I let him know that we were staying right here.

Then??..

I don't know,said Santa Singh,
He took out his lunch,and I took out mine..!

MEN Vs WOMAN

TWO WOMEN TALKING:

==================================

Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I
mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I
think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I
think.

Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could
easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I
was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent
my long neck.

Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to
take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.
Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your
shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms,
see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to
fit me so much easier. ......................


...........................................
...
...
...
....
....
...
...
...
...

NOW TWO MEN TALKING
======================================


Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yeah

INDIAN MIND

An Indian man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to India on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Indian man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Indian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Indian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000"

The Indian replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'"

Ah, the mind of the Indian...

This is why India is shining

Amazing isn't it?

A Must Read ..

Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case...ok"

Next Father approaches Bill Gates.

Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"

This is how business is done!!
Moral: Even If you have nothing, You can get Anything. But your
attitude should be positive ...­­­ .

IT & Bollywood Hybrid - Softwood Movies

NAMES OF ITS WOULD BE FILMS

1 Hang To Hona Hi Tha !!!!!!!!!!!!
2. Meri Disc Tumhare Paas Hai
3. Aao Chat Kare
4. Programmer No.1
5. Mera Naam Developer
6. Java Wale Job Le Jayenge
7. Hum Apke Memory Mein Rehte Hein
8. Do Processor Baarah Terminal
9. Tera Code Chal Gaya
10. Har Din Jo Mail Karega
11. Network Ke Us Paar
12. Debugging Koi Khel Nahi
13. Jish Desh Mein Bill Gates Rehta Hai
14. Raju Ban Gaya MCSE .!
15. Client Ek Numbari Programmer Dus Numbari
16. Login Karo Sajana
18. Naukar PC Ka
19. 1942 -- A Bug Story
20. Kaho Na Virus Hai
21. Crash Se Crash Tak
22. Haan Maine Bhi Debug Kiya Hai
23. Password De Ke Dekho
24. Terminal Apna Login Parayi

Bihar Driving License...

================================================================
DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM
------------------------------------------ -----------------------


NOTE: Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter.
He will give you the licen.
For phurthar instructions, see bottom applikason.


1. Last name:

(_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)

2. First name:

(_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)

3. Age:

(_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)

4. ***: ____ M _____ P(F) _____ not sure _____not applicable

5. Chappal Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right

6.Occupason:

(_) Politison (_) Doodhwala (_) Pehelwaan (_) House wife (_) Un-employed

(Check karet box)

7. Number of children libing in the household: ___

8. Number that are yours: ___

9. Mather name: _______________________

10. Phather Name: ____________________ (If not no,leave blank)

11. Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

12. Dental rekard:

(_) Ellow (_) Berownish-ellow (_) Berown (_) Belack (_) Other
-__________ Give egjhakt color

(Check karet box)

13.Your thumb imparessan :
____________________________

(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy
thumb impression also. Please
provide your own thumb impressan.)

PLEASE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS

Use thumb on y our lepht hand only. If you dont have le pht hand, use
your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on
lepht hand.

NOTE: IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE.

WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THIS

-=- Bihar RTO

CIRCUIT Bole to ..

MUNNABHAI : Yeh OXFORD kya hai?
CIRCUIT : bole to simple hai bhai,tension nahi leneka,
OX mane bail,
FORD mane gaadi,
OXFORD bole to "BAILGAADI".

Mark Six - The Game

Mark Six is a lottery style game where players have to guess what numbers will be drawn out of a lottery machine. The lottery machine is a transparent plastic sphere which contains colored balls numbered 1 to 49. The sphere is rotated to provide randomization in the drawing process.

Players choose six numbers out of the possible 49. Each selection of the numbers costs 5 HKD and is one selection of the (hoped for!) results of the lottery draw. In the draw, 7 numbers are drawn. The first six numbers drawn are called the "drawn numbers". The last one drawn is called the "extra number". Often, in Cantonese this number is called a 'half number'.

Official Site of Mask Six is here

Bihar Ka Jadoo

1. inside class
-close the doors of the windows please....i have winter in my nose today
-Cut an apple into two halves ---take the bigger half
-shhhhh.. quiet boys....the principal just passed away in the corridor.
-Both of you three ,get out of my class
-Take a copper wire of any metal ...especially of silver.
-Take a 5cm. wire of any length

2. At the ground
-All of you stand in a straight circle
-there is no wind in the balloon

3. To a boy angrily
-I talk ,he talk,why you middle middle talk?????

4. Giving punishment
-you three of you , stand together separately
-you,.... go and understand the tree
-Why are you late??????------say YES or NO.

confession

A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband is at
work.

Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the

bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts
her

lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there
already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in

the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

The lover remembering the last time, asks
the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$750"

Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's
go

outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy - "$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that...

that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to

church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the

confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again...."

Marathi PJ

कर्वे रोडला पाणी येते, पण कोथरुड ला नाही येत. का बरे ?
कारण वाटेत नळ स्टॉप आहे.





एकदा मास्तर बंड्याला वर्गात उभा करतात आणी सांगतात,
" मी कुठला ही प्रश्न विचारला कि त्याच पटकन उत्तर दे".
मास्तर विचारतात," अमेरिकेचे अध्यक्ष कोण?"
बंड्या म्हणतो," पटकन."



Heigth of Optimism
99 वर्षांची म्हातारी जेव्हा 'हच का नया लाइफटाइम रिचार्ज' घेते!






तरुण: मी तुझ्याशी लग्न नाही करू शकत.
तरुणी: का रे काय झाले?
तरुण: घरच्यांचा होकार नाही मिळत आहे.
तरुणी:कोण कोण असते घरी?
तरुण: कोणी जास्त लोक नाहीत. फक्त एक बायको व तिन मुले

Disorder in the Court

There is a book called Disorder in the Court . These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Some of these are excellent ...

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the accident?
A: Gucci sweat-shirt and Reeboks.


Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?


Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: By whose death was it terminated?


Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?


Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school
did you go to?
A: Oral.


Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy on him.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning ?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.


Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere...

CV blunders

How bad a mistake can you make on your resume?

Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!

Proven ability to track down and correct erors.

Qualifications: No education or experience.

Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.

I am a rabid typist.

Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me.

Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.

I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail.

I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one.

My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.

Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

Inspiring Quotes

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits

One sees great things from the valley; only small things from the peak

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Thinking is like loving and dying. Each of us must do it for himself.

The greatest good you can do for another is not just to share your riches, but to reveal to him his own.

The greater danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it

I have realized that the past and future are real illusions, that they exist in the present, which is what there is and all there is

If you are not going to be better tomorrow than you were today, then what need have you for tomorrow?

Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being.

You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep

If you want to get somewhere you have to know where you want to go and how to get there. Then never, never, never give up

He who has a thousand friends has not a friend to spare, and he who has one enemy will meet him everywhere

There are not many things in life so beautiful as true friendship, and there are not many things more uncommon

Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend.

Where we are today is a result of the choices we made yesterday. Let's make the best choices today that we might have the best tomorrow

The unthankful heart... discovers no mercies; but let the thankful heart sweep through the day and, as the magnet finds the iron, so it will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings!

The only way to have a friend is to be one

The heart has its reasons that reason does not know

Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator,but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.

True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost.

To give anything less then your best is to sacrifice the gift

Vision is not enough; it must be combined with venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps; we must step up the stairs

Jail is Fun

Wonder why people complain about going to jail. All that about the free world and earning your own money is hogwash.

Don't believe us? Go on to see just how prison is better than work.

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the toilet.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't speak to your family.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON.you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK..they are called managers.

Given the cool, hassle free, bill free and tax-free life one has in a prison cell, coming to office daily and working is like third-degree torture.

Modern definitions for today's office!

1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One Month

2) Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.

3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.

7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.

And lastly.................

9) Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby.