इच्छा


बायको : अहो एकलत का,
बर्याच दिवसंपासुन
तुमची इच्छा आहे ना,
आज रात्री मी पूरी करणार
आहे
.
.
.
.
.
.

नवरा : ठीक आहे मी श्रीखंड घेउन येतो.
.
लागला ना डोक्याला शॉट
वाचा नीट परत एकदा..

Difference between Wife & Girlfriend

Difference between Wife & Girlfriend
 Great Thought in Modified Version-

Wife is like a TV &
Girlfriend is like a MOBILE.
At home u watch TV, but when u go out u take ur MOBILE.

Sometimes u enjoy TV, but most of the time u play with ur MOBILE.

TV is free for life,
but for the MOBILE, if you don't pay, the services will be terminated.

TV is big, bulky & most of the time old.!
But the MOBILE is cute, slim, curvy & very portable.

Operational costs for TV is often acceptable, but for the MOBILE it is often high & demanding.

TV has a remote, MOBILE doesn't.

Most importantly, MOBILE is a two-way communication (u talk & listen) but
with the TV you MUST only listen (whether you want to or not)

Last but not least..!
TVs don't have viruses, but MOBILEs often do...
Take Care.

Issued in Public Interest.!!! 


Whatsapp jokes

Newly married Husband: I had 10 affairs before marriage!!n
Smart Wife:  Mujhe pata tha ki jab kundli mein 36 ke 36 gun mile hain, toh aadate bhi zarur milengi...!
Wife Rocks !!! Husband Shocks !!!

SIR:- Whats difference between Coffee Shop & Wine Shop?
STUDENT:- Very Simple sir, Love Starts in
Coffee Shop, Love Ends in Wine shop..



Shaadi ke fifth anniversary par
husband brought white roses for wife..
Patni: Yeh kya White Roses kyon? Anniversary par toh Red Roses dete hai na?
Pati: Ab Zindagi me, Pyaar se jyada Shaanti ki Jarurat hai..



1 husband-apne marriage certificate ko
1ghante se dekh rah tha
Wife-tum 1ghante se kya dekh rahe ho?
Hubby: expiry date dhoond raha hu. Saalo ne likhi nahi..

H2O?

Science Teacher: Chemical formula of Water?

Student: H2MgCl2NaclHNO3CaCo3CaO

Teacher: Wrong !

Student :Sir This is Municipality Water !

ATTORNEY

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of
staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
____________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?
____________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_____________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how
old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
____________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_____________________
_____________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_____________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_____________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_____________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the
body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_____________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_____________________

And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I ., but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that a brainless chap like him is alive and practicing law right now...

Shampoo

Sardar shampoo ko sir k sath kandho pe bi laga rha tha.

Wife ne pucha-
Kandho pe shampoo kyu laga rahe ho?

Sardar-

Bewakoof hi rahna zindagi bhar!

Ye koi aam shampoo nahi.........

Head & Shoulder hai!!!


भिंत

दूध पिल्याने ताकद येते ???

मग 5 ग्लास दूध प्या अन् भिंत हलवण्याचा प्रयत्न करा ...
नाही हालत ना !!!
.
.
.
.
.
.

आता 5 ग्लास Kingfisher Strong प्या, अन् नुसतं भिंतीकडं बघा,
भिंत आपोआप हलेल !!!

The Good ,The Bad and The Ugly

A renowned Marathi film producer  planned  to  remake  Hollywood  classic : "The Good ,The Bad and  The Ugly " in Marathi.

                                                                                              He named it  ....     
                                                  मी, माझी बायको & तिची आई

Rhythm

A class teacher asked her students to make rhymes with their names ;

Sam : My name is Sam, When I grow up to be a man, I want to go to Russia and Japan, If I can, If I can, If I can

Candy : My name is Candy, When I grow up to be a lady, I want to have a baby
If I can, if I can, if I can

Dan : My name is Dan. When I grow up to be a man, To hell with Russia and Japan
I m gonna help Candy with her plan
I know I can, I know I can, I know I can..=))

Ditto

मित्राच्या घरी पहिल्यांदाच गेल्यावर: अरे तुझा मुलगा तर डिट्टो तुझ्यासारखा दिसतो..!

मित्र: हळू बोल . माझा मुलगा डांस क्लासला गेलाय. हा शेजारणीचा आहे, अभ्यासाला आलाय..

LIC shayari

Arz kiya hai..
LIC wale bhi ghazab dhate hai,

Wah wah

LIC wale bhi  ghazab dhate hai

Logon ki biwiyon ke paas ghanton baithke
Unke husband ke Marne ke fayde batate hai

धाडसाचा कहर....

बायको: मी कशी दिसतेय? आत्ताच ब्युटी पार्लरला जाऊन आल्येय.
नवरा शांतपणे: मग काय, बंद होत का?

Who is a Girl ?

Who is a Girl ???

A Girl is the most Beautiful part of God's creation.

She starts compromising at a very tender age.

She sacrifices her chocolates for her brother.

She scarifies her ego for her boyfriend

Later she sacrifices her love for just a smile on her
parents face. Then After Marriage
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
. She takes revenge of all things from her Husband

-THE SECRET TO A HAPPY MARRIED LIFE-

Once I asked my friend, "What is the secret behind your Happy Married Life?" He said "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."

I asked "Can you explain?" He said "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my Wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."

Still not convinced, i asked him "Give me some examples". He said "Smaller issues like, which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit the super market, when & where to go on vacation, which sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy. Monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc. Are all decided by my wife. I just agree to it "

I asked "Then, what is your role?" He said "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanctions over Zimbabwe, whether telangana should be formed or not, whether Dhoni should retire from Cricket , Whom should Salman Khan Marry. etc etc. and do you know, my wife; NEVER, objects to any of these decisions"...



Death

When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated. A couple of months later, Myrtle also died.

Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe. Suddenly, behind a Cloud, she could clearly see him with another woman.

She ran towards him, calling his name, "Joe. Darling, Joe"

Joe said, "Hold your horses woman, and don't give me that 'darling' shit. The deal was very clear: 'Until death do us part'."

Exam Questions and answers

A Student who got 0% Marks, was surprised
because his all answers were seeminglycorrect!
Do you feel that he was wrongly penalised??

Q.1- In which battle did Tipu Sultan Die ?..
Ans.- In his Last Battle..
Q.2- Where was the Declaration of
Independence Signed?
Ans.- At the Bottom of the Page..
Q.3- What is the Main Reason for Divorce ?..
Ans.- Marriage..
Q.4- Ganga Flows in which State ?..
Ans.- Liquid State..
Q.5- When was Mahatma Gandhi Born ?.
Ans.- On His Birthday.
Q.6- How will you Distribute 8 Mangoes among 6 People ?..
Ans.- By Mango Shake..!!
Q.7-India Me saal bhar Sabse Zyada Baraf
Kaha Girti Hai...???..

Awesome Reply By Student:- .."Daaru K GlassMe..."


आजचा सुविचार

रोज कमीत कमी एकातरी
अनोळखी व्यक्तीला बघून हसा कारण तो त्याचे सर्व विचार
सोडून दिवसभर एकच विचार
करेल
"हा कोन होता ? " 


Read on... You will relax...

Lord Ganesha had two wives Riddhi and Siddhi....
Most men have one.... Ziddi...
------------------------------
National food of India ---- "KASAM"
Sab khaaté hain....
------------------------------
"If the loser smiles after losing the game, the winner loses the thrill of his victory"!!
That's the power of Smile !!
------------------------------
Behind every Successful Man there is a Woman......
Because Women don't run behind Unsuccessful Men!!
------------------------------
'Sympathy'... You can get from Anybody --
But..! 'Jealousy'... You have to Earn it!
------------------------------
Drink 5 cups of milk and try to push the wall ....
And then drink 5 cups of alcohol and watch .... It'll move on its own!!
------------------------------
Wife: Aapko meri khoobsurati zayada achi lagti hai ya aqalmandi?
Husband: Mujhey to tumhari ye mazaaq ki aadat bahut achi lagti hai..
-----------------------------
Only 3 living beings are immune to cold on earth:
1. Polar bears
2. Penguins
3. Females wearing sleeveless & backless at marriages in India !
------------------------------
Getting bored??? Need some adventure in life?
Go to a stranger's wedding and scream.... 'Don't marry dear.... I still love you'!
------------------------------
Insaan sub se zyada maafi kis ké saamané mangta hai?
Guess, guess!
Bihkari ke saamné ---- "Maaf karo Baba"
------------------------------
One economical thought:
'The best line which helps you save money when going for dinner with your girlfriend- . . . "Bol kya khayegi MOTI?"

Epic

Epic line written on the wall of a company toilet..

आराम से बैठो...
पगार चालू है.....

Puneri

पुणेरी एकदम तिखट....

पाहुणा : अहो Camp ला जायला कुठली बस पकडू ?

पुणेरी : २० Number ची पकडा.

पाहुणा : आणि ती नाही मिळाली तर?

पुणेरी : १० - १० च्या २ पकडा.
😂😂😜😜😝😝

पुण्याला डेक्कनच्या चौकात CCTV कॅमेरे
बसवले.
दुसऱ्या दिवशी सकाळी पोलिस  कंट्रोल-रूमला आलेला पहिला फोन:
अहो, जरा कॅमेरात बघून सांगा ना, चितळे
उघडले आहेत का...?😂😂😜

Puneri Classic -

Gotya - "Baba mala 'Blackberry' nahitar 'Apple' pahije"

Baba -" Fanas" aanlay, to sampav aadhi😂
**Puneri

Bayko: Aaho, kaal Dr. sangat hote. maza B.P. wadhlay! pan B.P. mhanje kay ho.?
Nawra: Aaga B.P mhanje "Bawlat pana."
😝😝😝😝😝

ROCKING PUNERI
Balu- Kaku, chintu ahe ka ghari?
KAKU- ahe na, garama-garam pohe khatoy....
tulapan bhuk lagli asel na?
Balu- ho
Kaku- Mag ghari ja kahitari khaun ye..
😂😂😆

Puneri special
नवरा थकलेला, ऑफिसमधुन घरी आलेला असतो..
नवरा: प्यायला पाणी आण ग?
बायको: तहान लागली आहे का ?
नवरा (संतापून): नाही माझा गळा कुठुन लिक होतोय ते चेक करायचा आहे.
😂😂😆😆

पुणेरी राँग नंबर 😃
अः देशपांडे आहेत का?
बः (चिडून) पावनखिंड लढवायला गेलेत. काही निरोप?
अः त्यांना म्हणाव, महाराज गडावर पोचले. मेलात तरी चालेल!! 😜

Why Boys get Blocked on whataspp:

Boy: What's your Name ?? 
Girl: Palak and you??
Boy: Paneer !!!

*BLOCKED!!!*

Girl: What's UP ?
Boy: Uttar Pradesh 😆😆😆

*BLOCKED!!!*

Girl : tu Soya hai...?? 
Boy : Nahi...! Mungfali hun..!

*Blocked* 

Girl : See ya !
Boy: Var Ram chandar ki jai! 

*BLOCKED!!!* 😛

Girl: Have a Good Day.
Boy: No thank you... I like Parle-G more.

*BLOCKED turant!!!*

Boy- Thank you
Girl- My Pleasure
Boy- My Bajaj Pulsar 

*Blocked Forever*

And the best one, 

After fight:
Girl: Tum toh mujhe manaate hi nahin!! 

Boy: Tum kya ho? Diwali ho? EID ho? Ya Holi? 

*BLOCKED!!!

Santa

Doctr : i am sorry.
Opration k waqt Rubber k Gloves
aapke pet me reh gaye.
dobara opration karna hoga.

Sardar : abey, pagal he kya?
ye le 20 rupaye
naya le le...



Sardar ji Bank me paise jama karane gaya.
Cashier-
Tumhare Note nakli hai.
Sardar-
Tujhe kya farak padata hai?
Jama to Mere Account me ho rahe hai na..!!



Teacher: Your son has failed See his report.
Eng-20
Math-15
Hindi-18
Phy-13
Chem-15
SSt. - 17
Total-98

Santa:Total mein toh kamaal hi kar diya hai..Is Subject ka Teachar kaun hai !



SANTA- maine Pichle 20 Saalo Me 1 Baat Note Ki Hai !!
Banta: Wo Kya?
Santa: Saala Jab Bhi Faatak Band
Hote Hai
Tab Train Jaroor Aati Hai.



Santa- tumne itne chhote-Chhote
baal Q katwaye?
Banta- naai ke paas 3 rupye khulle
nahin the, to main bola 3 rupay ke
aur kaat de.....



SANTA- Aaj kal zyada bachche judwa
kyo paida hote hai?
BANTA-Desh me itna AATANKWAAD
badh gaya hai ke bachche akele
aane se darte hai.



Santa student: Miss, kya aap mujhe
raat ko call kar rahi thi??
Teacher: Nahi toh...
Santa: Kamaal hai, subah mere
mobile pe likha tha...
.
.
.
.
MISS CALL...



Checking

एक दिन पति अपने घर की लाइट ठीक कर रहा था. तभी उसने अपनी बीवी को आवाज़ लगाईं.
बीवी – क्या है ?
पति – ज़रा इधर तो आओ …
बीवी – लो आ गई, अब बोलो ?
पति– ये दो तार हैं, ज़रा इनमे से कोई एक हाथ में पकड़ना …
बीवी – क्यों ?
पति– अरे तू पकड़ तो सही एक बार …
बीवी – ये लो पकड़ लिया …
पति– कुछ हुआ ?
बीवी - नहीं तो …
पति – अच्छा … इसका मतलब कर्रेंट दूसरी तार में है …. !!!
........................😛😀

Newton ki grlfrnd

Newton ki grlfrnd : aj me kaisi lag rhi hu .?.

Newton : Tan C / Sin C

Gf :- What ???

Newton : Tan C / Sin C
           = SinC/CosC/SinC
            =1/CosC
             =Sec C

Gf: Wow .!.!.!.
😀

Sardar

1 mahila train se utri,   🚋🚋🚋🚋 
usne Sardar se puchha yeh koun sa station hai?

Sardar hansa,
zor se hansa,
zor zor se hasa,

hanste hanste lot pot ho gaya,

aur badi mushkil se sambhalte huye bola

Pagli,
yeh Railway station hai...   😛😀😛😀 GM

What!

Here is the situation:

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop-off.

...
On your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo, and your horse is unable to
overtake it.

Behind you is a lion, running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Any suggestions or Clues ?

Scroll down.....

Get off the merry-go-round and go home you are drunk...

Studying

A Month before Exams, we prefer the books of
Foreign Authors

.

.

A Week before Exams, we prefer the books of
Local Authors

.

.

A day before Exam,
trying to read
Our Own Notes

.

.

On the day of Exam,

.

.

We become
Authors.
.
.

"Yaar!
Tu bass Heading bata baaki main khud likh lunga." 😛

WORK PRESSURE...

❄♨⚠
_______________________________

Once I was flashing my ID card instead of unlocking the house door with keys..
_______________________________

Me and my friends went out for dinner in one of the best restaurants . And as I finished..
I started walking towards the wash basin with Plates in my hand..
_______________________________

Once I was on call with my father and mom was not around. I went on to ask, “Why is she not attending the weekly status call?”📞
_______________________________

I don’t login to facebook, youtube, etc.. at my personal internet connection at home… thinking it will be blocked any way. Till I realize – I am at home.😎
_______________________________

Once after talking to one of my friends
I ended the conversation saying, "Ok bye…in case of any issues will call u back"
_______________________________

Sometimes when I mistakenly delete a message from my mobile, I hope for a second, maybe it’s in the recycle bin !📛 _______________________________

Once I went to a pharmacy n asked for a tab….pharmacist asked whether I want 250mg or 500mg….. I replied 256mb….thank god he didn’t notice.
_______________________________

And I – after a hectic week, went to a movie. In the middle of the movie, when I wanted to check the time, I kept repeatedly glancing at the bottom right corner of the Theatre Screen…

So avoid working so hard !
Have a great work-life balance..♈♏
Lastly......
Height Of Work Pressure:

An Employee Opens His Tiffin Box On The Road Side To See,Whether He Is Going To office, Or Coming Back From office. 😕

दामाद का प्यार!

एक बार एक सास अपने 3 दामादों का प्यार देखने के लिए दरिया में कूद गयी
तो एक दामाद ने बचा लिया।
सास ने उसे कार तोहफे में दे दी।

अगले दिन फिर कूद गयी तो दूसरे दामाद ने बचा लिया उसे मोटरसाइकिल मिली।

फिर तीसरे दिन सास दोबारा कूदी तो तीसरे दामाद ने सोचा कि अब तो साइकिल ही मिलेगी

तो उसने सास को नही बचाया, सास मर गयी लेकिन फिर भी दामाद को मर्सिडीज़ मिली।
कैसे?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
ससुर ने दी।
😄😛naya hai wah😂😂😂😂😂😂😊

Effects of wrong answer

No one has told the importance of study in such a awesome way

"‘With every wrong answer that you write in your exam paper ... your future honeymoon shifts from Mauritius to Mahabaleshwar‘" 😜😜

Dish

गण्याचं नवीन लग्न झालं होतं ...

बायकोला घेउन तो पहिल्यांदा सासुरवाडिला गेला .....

त्याचे खुप स्वागत करण्यात आले ...

पाच पकवाने बनवली होती ...

जेवताना सासूने विचारले ....

जावई बापू तुम्हाला कोणती  डीश आवडते ..??

गण्या म्हणाला ....
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"टाटा स्काय"


Alia Bhatt

तपासनीस- मुलांनो प्रसिद्ध गणितज्ञाचे नाव सांगा.
पिंटू - सर 'अलिया भट्ट'.
तपासनीस - (शिक्षकास) काय हो असेच शिकवता का तुम्ही?
शिक्षक - माफ करा सर , तो बोबडा आहे.
त्याला "आर्यभट्ट" म्हणायचे आहे.

Economy

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Teacher at class:"suno bachcho kal tum
logo ka group photo shoot hoga,, . Sab log
apne apne ghar se Rs.50/-le kr aana,,
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Pappu: "saala ye sab teacher logo ki mili
bhagat hoti hai,,
Ek photo k 20/- rupye lagte hai aur hum
logo se 50_50 rupye liye ja rahe hai,, .
Matlab ek bachche se 30/- Rupye bachayenge matlab akele apni class me 60
bachche hai to 60*30=1800 Rs. . khuliLoot
macha rakhi hai in logo ne,,
..
Fir hamare paiso se ye sab staff room me
baith k samosa khayenge aur hum bachchon ko milega Ghanta,,. Chal bhai
tappu ghar chalte hai kal mummy se
Rs.50/- le k aana,,
..
Bhalai ka to zamaa nahi nahi rah gaya,,
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Pappu to mom: "Mummy kal school me
group photo shoot hona hai teacher ne
Rs.100/- rupye mangaye hai..

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. Mom: 100 rs!!
khuli loot macha rakhi hai in logo ne,,
..

Fir hamare paiso se ye sab eish karenge...
ruk pappu beta mei tere pappa se mangti
hu...

MOM TO DAD:
are sunte ho
pappu ke school mein group photo ke liye
rs.200 mange hai!!''😛😝😜😳😄

Marathi Columbus

जर कोलंबसला मराठी बायको असती तर
त्याला अमेरिकेचा शोध कधीच लागला
नसता... कारण बायकोने विचारले असते...
कुठे चाललात?
कोणा बरोबर?
कसे जाणार?
... काय शोधायला जाताय?
इकडे मिळणार नाही का?
नेहमी तुम्हीच का?
मी इथे एकटी काय करू?
मी पण येऊ का?
कोलंबस: जाउ दे नाही जात...

Positive Attitude

➕ पाॅझिटीव्ह अॅटिट्युड ➕

नवरा दारू पिऊन रात्री उशिरा घरी येतो

बायको हातात झाडू घेऊन समोर उभी दिसते

नवरा : डार्लिंग, कीती वेळ काम करशील ??  रात्रीचे दोन वाजलेत, झोपायचं नाही का..!!

Dear.. Deer

A man hunts a DEER, cooks it & serves it for dinner. He doesn't tell kids what it is and asks them to guess.

He gives them a Clue:
"It's what your Mom calls me..."

Son shouts:
"Koi mat khana... KUTTA hai KUTTA...!"